Squishy
by DrkVrtx
Summary: Documenting the daily adventures of an intergalactic bounty hunter and her perhaps unwisely adopted pet in a bizarre, zany world the former would much rather get the hell away from. There's just the small problem of having to repair her trashed ship.
1. Chapter 1

The crash brought Smashers out onto the vast front lawn, a good chunk of which was torn up like paper enthusiastically processed by the wicked teeth of a rabidly salivating dog. The culprit? A sleek, golden spaceship, canted at a near thirty-three-point-three degree angle with its nose emphatically buried into the dirt and grass - freshly cut that very morning via Spin Attack. Thick smoke curled into the air, issued from a number of nasty gashes ripped deep into its paintwork and accompanied no less by the harshly pungent scent of…wait, was that fuel?!

The soft crackle of flames arched in worry the eyebrows of those who possessed them. Those with a functional sense of it's-time-to-get-the-hell-out-of-here had already dashed back indoors. Upon every face however, including those pressed flat against a row of upper-floor windows, registered a considerable degree of unease when suddenly there was a loud, ominous hissing from the black underbelly of the mysterious craft.

Grey smoke belched out as a cylindrical pod was spat from the depths of the ship like a chunk of mushroom chip cookie behind Princess Peach's back once she had turned away her sickeningly sweet, innocently approval-seeking smile, smacking with an audible jolt into the ground and gouging further damage into Link's Zelda-commissioned handiwork. And then a collective gasp was drawn as something stepped forward into the clear, breathable air.

Burnished with competing shades of red/gold and inlaid with pulsing neon markings, a tall, hulking, bipedal _thing_ with round shoulders as large as its smoothly curved metallic head - if not larger - with what looked to be a cannon for a right arm hanging loosely at its side stood before them. And it didn't look to be in any better condition than the ship from which it had emerged.

"What in the world _is_ that creature?"

"Is...is it an alien?"

"No, it's a robot!"

"Or maybe it's -!"

The alien-creature-robot lifted its left hand - four fingers and thumb - without warning, hush settling over the group near instantly, up towards its head. Or rather, its helmet. Her helmet.

" - a _girl?!_ " Pit finished. Feet shuffled surreptitiously away from the hysterical angel; he was unsettlingly fond of intrapersonal communication. Palutena often said that made him 'special'.

But back to case at hand.

A proud mane of sweat-damp hair spilled over giant shoulders to roll in a glorious blonde wave down her back out of sight as the woman shook it out of her face. A very normal looking female apparently, unless she just so happened to be a pretty head attached to a bulky suit of futuristic armour. But those usually came in glass tanks, and rarely were they pretty anything besides murderous.

"Um, hello?" the woman then spoke, the low bass in her voice betraying uncertainty. "I, uh, come in peace."

She slowly cast a cool green gaze over the small gathering of Smashers, helmet tucked securely under her arm. They gazed back. And muttered between themselves as the silence began to stretch like an awkward, pubescent teen who had grown several inches overnight. In height. There had never been an officially appointed Welcoming Committee, but eyes were gradually beginning to turn in a similar direction.

"Oh, fine," the Princess said, rolling her own before taking a deep breath and an inspirational step forwards. "Hi! I'm Daisy."

"Samus," the woman replied, frowning as she looked down at the Princess' proffered arm of greeting. "Could you hold my helmet so I can shake your hand? Obviously my right arm is a bit...unorthodox. Not many people are comfortable with the idea of coming into physical contact with an integrated, multi-functional artillery-grade cannon equipped with explosive, self-guiding high-velocity ballistic munitions, among other things."

Daisy blinked. "Oh, right. Sure," she said. An unbefitting curse almost left her royal lips when she reached forward and slipped the thing out from the crook of Samus' arm however.

"Damn it. I always forget how heavy Chozoan metal actually is," she said quickly, and reached down to scoop Daisy up off of her face. "That wasn't the smoothest of introductions. My apologies."

"It's - it's fine," the Princess said, shakily dusting down the front of her dress. Samus had just picked her up and plopped her back on her feet like she weighed nothing at all. And good grief she was tall!

 _Be cool, Daisy. You've got a job to do! Not like they let you do anything else around here._

"On behalf of everyone you see behind me, and especially the handful of less deserving, officially invited peasants, the Welcoming Committee warmly extends you our salutations. Welcome to the Smash Mansion!"

 _Nailed it!_

Samus wrinkled her brow with another frown. "Um, committee?"

Daisy's smile grew politely strained. "Me, myself, and I take my job seriously," she spoke through her teeth. "Trust me."

Samus pursed her lips before turning to look behind her, very clearly taking in the state of her crashed ship. Daisy straightened up. What with a number of space-faring, furry friends in attendance along with a musclehead in possession of a suicidally fast racing machine, the Mansion needed the necessary facilities to store them in. A regular carpark wouldn't do. Not after the day Captain Falcon had scorched it black performing supersonic donuts.

"I know it's somewhat forward," Samus began, facing her once more, "but can I ask a favour?"

"Of course," Daisy said brightly, anticipating the obvious. It was her job. She took it seriously. Maybe they'd promote her one day to Assist Trophy. "Our hangar is more than equipped to house your ship and the R.O.B. maintenance crew can get to work right away repairing -"

"Can I use the bathroom?"

Daisy stared up at the woman, well rehearsed spiel dying on her lips.

"Only I've been holding this for longer than is probably healthy," Samus continued, "and I'd rather not do it in the suit. It's already pretty banged up as is."

Struggling not to tear up in affront, Daisy almost, almost said no. She practiced her lines for hours daily and Samus' toiletry needs be damned she was going to finish what she had started. Instead, however, she screamed.

 _"What the hell is that?!"_

The blonde woman's gaze followed the trembling, outstretched finger of the Princess to find the source of her piercing wail - which so happened to utter a delightful little _'Squee~'_ as it bobbed against gravity's will in the air, almost eclipsed from sight behind the orb of a prodigious right shoulder.

"Oh, this?" Samus said as the green blob perched itself fearlessly on the end of her arm. Meanwhile, Daisy looked ready to die with fright on the spot. Samus raised her cannon to introduce the now happily wobbling creature. "This is Squishy."


	2. Chapter 2

"How much further?" Samus enquired.

The corridors she was being led through stretched on for miles. An exaggeration perhaps, but considering that some of them were regularly cordoned off to allow for competitive kart races, no doubt there was some kernel of truth to the matter. Or at least, that was how her guide put it. Daisy had been giving her an enthusiastic tour of the Mansion's ground level, seemingly forgetting Samus' request to use the bathroom. Of course, the Princess had not forgotten; she was simply taking the scenic route.

"It's just around this corner," Daisy replied to the woman's blunt askance. It wasn't, actually, but Daisy prolonged Samus' arriving at her lavatory destination every time the woman rudely interrupted her finely honed tour briefing. She was just going to have to wait until Daisy was finished.

"I find it hard to believe that a place this large has so few bathrooms," Samus intoned, and something more than a mere hint of irritation had certainly crept into her voice by this point.

"Ladies' bathrooms," Daisy corrected as they turned the aforementioned corner. "There aren't so many of us."

"Well, I'm not fussy," Samus declared. "In fact, I'm desperate." And before the Princess could say a thing, she came to a stop in the middle of the corridor.

"You there, where is the men's room?"

A boy stood in front of her; or rather, enveloped her looming shadow. The top of the backward facing, apple-red cap perched on his head barely came up to her waist. He had to crane his neck upwards to find her face. The angle of sunlight streaming in from a tall window behind them darkened her expression and with her huge shoulders and mechanised frame, and a sharply inquisitive voice that boomed down from on high, Samus unwittingly cast a menacing figure that had the Mr. Saturn cradled in the boy's arms trembling along with him. He, and it, stared up at her blankly, eyes wide and mouth agape.

"I - I - th - there's o - one..." he trailed off and pointed just past Samus' right arm. She made to thank him, but instead arched an eyebrow as her gaze quickly flicked downwards.

"I see," Samus said slowly. "Well, uh, you almost made it, kid."

And at that, the boy suddenly bolted in the opposite direction, leaving something of a trail dripping in his wake. And given the length of the corridor, his bladder must have been on the verge of bursting. In fact it took over a minute for him to eventually vanish from sight. Which involved an unfortunate tumble after tripping over sodden sneaker shoelaces. Harrowed keening could be heard as the boy disappeared round the corner. It certainly wasn't Ness' finest hour.

"You scared him!" Daisy admonished, reaching down to collect the cap the speed of his exit had blown off his head.

"I'll apologise later," Samus said, already turning, "but first -"

"Wait! You can't use those!"

But the long, flowing blonde was already standing in front of the nondescript door.

"Do you have a logical argument as to why, in the absence of any other option except voiding urine directly into my functionally compromised suit, I should not therefore make use of this readily available toilet which, regardless of gender, ultimately serves the same purpose?" she asked plainly.

The Princess stared, blinking rapidly as she struggled to find one. "There...there might be someone in there!"

"They'll have an interesting story to tell then."

Panicked, Daisy started forward with a hand outstretched. This wasn't appropriate; far from it! But then she stopped abruptly.

Samus' suit had begun to peel itself open. Mechanical whirring filled the corridor as layers of curved panels large and small folded out to the sides unveiling - well, the thing was Daisy couldn't exactly tell. The woman's bulky frame filled the doorway even before the suit began blossoming like the delicate summer flower it clearly wasn't, pitted all over with dents and the like. Now it was practically impossible to see the door it stood in front of. The Princess ducked her head when she heard something step down and out of the suit, hoping to steal a glance at the woman piloting it from between its legs.

She was aware of how that sounded. Royal cheeks flared at the thought.

"I won't be long," Samus called, and all Daisy caught of her as she pushed open the toilet door from behind the suit was a glimpse of bright blue boots. "Squishy, behave yourself."

" _Squee~_ "

Daisy froze. She had forgotten all about Squishy, sitting perched on Samus' right shoulder, because she had put herself on her left as far away from the creepy thing as possible. The woman had said it was juvenile, curious and a host of other adjectives as the Princess led her into the Mansion. She failed to assure Daisy that it was harmless. She straightened, slowly, just in time to see Samus' pet unlatch itself from her suit and begin to float unnervingly in the air.

* * *

" _Squee~_ "

"I'm here, Squishy," Samus said as she emerged from the - as luck would have it - empty men's room and was faced with the exposed innards of the Varia Suit. She turned her back and stepped up into it with practised swiftness. Her brow wrinkled as it began to fold itself protectively around her again, however. Squishy had not been sitting where she had left it. And Samus had yet to hear a peep out of her royal guide. How peculiar. And so, fully enfolded into the suit, she turned through 180 degrees to find -

"Samus. _Help_."

Princess Daisy pressed back against the wall, arms flung out to either side of her, with a certain little pet sitting comfortably on top of her head.

Oh.

"Is it drooling?" Samus asked.

"What?" an ashen-faced, incredulous Daisy whispered back.

"Is it drooling?" she repeated plainly.

It was a long moment before the Princess very, very carefully gave a minute shake of her head. Whist wearing a look that suggested she had no idea what kind of question she was answering. Which was probably for the best.

"Squishy," Samus spoke with a commanding tone, "get off the poor woman's head. And put back the tiara," she added as the creature tried to float off with it hooked on the end of a large, curved mandible. It chirped after doing so, returning to sit on Samus' shoulder as she considered the pale princess, whose chest heaved like it was trying to break free of her corset. Samus could sympathise.

"Sorry about that. Squishy can be very friendly."

Daisy, apparently, was for once at a loss for words, simply nodding as she flattened a hand over her heart. Samus couldn't necessarily say she minded; a tour of the Mansion didn't quite hold her interest, even when she wasn't half-focused on walking with some semblance of dignity as her bladder grew heavier by the minute. She was much more interested in getting her ship repaired as soon as possible, and Daisy looked to be finally getting her breath back, adjusting the glittering tiara to sit properly on her hair.

"You said something about meeting a, uh, 'Master Hand'?" Samus asked, shrugging Squishy away as it nudged its cool, gelatinous and slightly slimy body against her ear.

Daisy's gaze flitted to the creature and away again almost in the same instant, an eddy of fright evident in her gradually warming features. "R-right. Yes. I'll take you right up. Please just keep that thing away from me."

Samus sighed. She was glad Squishy hadn't been drooling.


	3. Chapter 3

Master Hand turned out to be the very thing Samus had not expected.

"You're not what I expected."

"What were you expecting?" a cacophonous male voice replied.

"I'm not sure," she said. "Something with at least two legs, I expect."

"Given my moniker? What else could you have expected?"

The giant, seemingly gloved extremity floated expectantly in the air in front of her. Samus wore a frown as she considered it.

"My expectance was that 'Master Hand' was some sort of codename."

"Your expectations, obviously, were incorrect. One should not judge a book by the protagonist's official figurine."

Samus blinked.

"Speaking of figurines" Master Hand boomed, "what is that thing gnawing at my prized, painstakingly acquired collection?"

"Squishy!" Samus barked. "Get down from there."

" _Squishy?_ "

"My pet," she replied, as it zoomed down from the tall, stacked shelf, chirping as it homed in on a terribly frightened Princess. "Squishy!"

" _Squee~_ "

Samus retrieved her helmet from under the crook of her arm as the creature began enthusiastically circling Daisy's head, holding it out in front of her. "Squishy," she called out, "catch!" And she tossed it through the air like a disc.

" _Squee~!_ "

Abandoning its orbit of Daisy's glittering tiara, the creature dashed towards the spinning helmet. Dipping low at the last moment, Squishy then shot upwards and managed to cram its whole body into the helmet's empty space in one, smooth motion. The weight bore it down for only a second before it then flew excitedly up and away.

"You can ignore it now," Samus reassured the impromptu spectacle's audience. "It will be occupied with that for a while."

"Can we please, _please_ get this over with so I can show her to her rooms?" Daisy begged, trembling as she looked towards Master Hand. Squishy's muted chirps could be heard from the back of the office.

"I see. Well then," Master Hand spoke, the large, metallic desk it hovered over suddenly sparking to holographic life. "Firstly, what is your family name?"

"Aran."

"And your first?"

"Samus."

"Age?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Birthplace?"

"Classified."

"Excellent," Master Hand said. "We're off to a very productive start."

"Happy to help," Samus replied plainly, watching her name appear in what she assumed were the databanks of...what was this place again?

"The Smash Mansion."

"Yes, but what exactly goes on here?"

"We fight," Daisy declared.

"For...fun," Master Hand elaborated, ominously. "For glory."

"To the death!" the Princess suddenly shouted, thrusting a fist up into the air. Fierce flames leapt into her eyes.

"But only on the weekends," Master Hand said. "The rest of the week is yours to do with as you will."

Samus stared between them for a long moment. "To the death?"

"Virtually."

"As in, via a Virtual Reality Arena," Daisy was kind enough to explain.

"I see," Samus said slowly. "I don't think I'll be participating."

"I'm afraid you have little choice," Master Hand said.

She turned to look at it - him? - and very slightly narrowed her eyes. Samus had a very particular way of dealing with threats. She already had enough misgivings about floating body parts. All Master Hand had to do now was give her the excuse.

"After all," he continued, oblivious to the twitching of prepared fingers within her arm cannon, "how else will you pay for the storage and repair of your ship?"

Samus blinked. "Wh-what?"

"Daisy, if you would explain. I must concentrate on calculating Ms. Aran's hefty bill."

"Yes, please," Samus said, turning. " _Explain._ "

The Princess gulped underneath the cool gaze of the blonde woman. "Well, uh, um...well you see, imagine that the Mansion is sort of like a hotel -"

"An extravagant, five star property equipped with facilities of the highest calibre," Master Hand interjected.

"And so, as you can imagine," Daisy continued, "certain things come at a cost."

"Such as?"

"Meals, rooms, hot water, running water, drinking water..."

Samus' brow arched higher as the Princess rattled off the list. A glance towards Master Hand and his holo-display left her jaw loose as the numbers there grew and grew, rising from four digits to five to six -

"Your ship repairs, daily housing of your ship in the Mansion's hangar, collecting your ship from off the front lawn and moving it into the hangar, reconstructing the front lawn -"

"I was _shot down_ ," Samus sharply cut across Daisy, beginning to fume. "I don't think I could've helped it either way."

"150,000 G-Coins. Roughly," Master Hand spoke over the women as the Princess made to reply. Both turned to look at him. Daisy whistled.

"For what, exactly?" Samus asked, wary.

"Repair of your vessel, and safe housing until those repairs are complete."

"And how long would that take?"

"Two weeks."

"I don't have any G-Coins, whatever kind of currency that is."

"No matter," Master Hand said, "we can exchange yours. What do you use?"

"Galactic Credits."

"One G-Coin is equal to approximately 10 Galactic Credits," Master Hand reeled off immediately. Samus stared at him. "How much do you have?"

"...Two thousand."

"Hmm. That might be enough to pay one R.O.B unit to drag your ship indoors. Of course, you would then need to pay for the further damage inflicted upon the front lawn."

"You must be joking."

"I don't tell jokes, Ms. Aran," Master Hand replied. "I am not here to entertain you."

"For free, at least," Daisy mused.

"You want to extort me," Samus said, her jaw tightening. "You wouldn't want to know what became of the last person that tried that."

"On the contrary, do tell."

"He's dead. Ashes, if that. Dust floating on solar winds."

"Poetic," Master Hand said after a moment. "So, you're trying to threaten me."

"Not trying."

"I see. That's unfortunate. You have a fine spacecraft, Ms. Aran. But I suppose if you do not want to see it restored to working order, it will simply have to be scrapped."

And with a series of inputs into the holo-display, a screen was brought up displaying camera feed. Samus' eyes grew wide.

"There's two of you?!"

"That is my brother," Master Hand said. "His glove fits a little too tightly, if you know what I mean. Ha. Ha ha."

Evidently, she didn't. Samus stared at him blankly through the holo-display.

"He's crazy," Master Hand said bluntly. "And if you hadn't noticed, looming somewhat _threateningly_ over your ship."

Indeed it - he? - was. While appearing to have a seizure in mid-air.

"Is he...supposed to be doing that?"

"No one really knows what Crazy Hand is supposed to be doing," Daisy sagely observed.

"Nevermind that," Master Hand snapped, menacing in tone. "I don't believe you appreciate the gravity of the situation, Ms. Aran. Your ship will be crushed right before your very eyes if you do not agree to pay for the previously described services!"

"How the hell can I do that when I'm almost flat broke?!"

"You must confront your destiny," Daisy spoke, and her eyes were suddenly aflame again. "Enter the Smash tournaments. Fight. Win!" she cried, throwing both fists up into the air. Her grin was almost manic. At least until a glob of something wet dropped into her hair. Then she screamed.

" ** _Samus it's drooling!_** "

Damn it. That was the polite translation of the Chozo curse the woman uttered. It most certainly would have ruffled a few feathers.

Balling up her fist so tightly her knuckles popped, Samus turned to glare daggers at Master Hand. "Fine," she spat, "where do I sign?"


	4. Chapter 4

_Thump thump thump..._

"What in Mushroom Kingdom is that noise?" its Princess exclaimed.

"Probably your most persistent admirer," her fellow royal replied, casually sweeping a braid of brown hair out of her face, "coming to whisk you off to his dungeons yet again."

 _Thump thump thump..._

Peach sighed and set aside shimmering silver cutlery alongside her plate. "I simply cannot enjoy this exquisite meal with such a racket," she complained, and with that reached into her dress.

The resplendently pink garment possessed a neckline that plunged almost scandalously low, and an intricately patterned choker dangled a sparkling blue stone just above the prominent curve of a buxom chest. Without even the faintest colouring of the cheeks in shame, Peach lifted a silken gloved hand and proceeded to stuff it unceremoniously into her deep cleavage. Sitting on the other side of the banquet table, Princess Zelda watched her pull out a Toad.

Both women screamed. The dining hall (well, more of a cafeteria) erupted into laughter.

"Get it off! Get it off!" Peach squeaked shrilly, flapping her hands at the slimy amphibian sitting nonchalantly in the middle of the table. Zelda's moved in an even more panicked flurry and there was a burst of light, followed by a loud croak and fat green shape sailing through the air to the far end of the room. Before anyone had the presence of mind to react, long webbed fingers reached out, followed by a flailing tongue as Greninja leapt to the rescue of its kin.

Peach, meanwhile, had an arm stuffed back down her dress. A fuming Zelda pulled out Toad.

"How practical do you think your jokes will be, when you are planted out in my garden?" the steaming Hyrulian threatened, holding the sheepish attendant by his polka-dotted mushroom head.

 _Thump thump thump!_

"I will see that he makes amends later," Peach spoke, after taking a deep, composing breath. "For now, Toad, be a dear and run along to tell Lord Bowser I'll roleplay with him later."

Toad nodded as best as he could in Zelda's grip, then promptly ran off towards the doors of the dining hall (cafeteria) once irritably set down.

"You ought to tell that overgrown turtle you are tired of playing his games."

 _THUMP THUMP THUMP!_

"Technically, there not even _his_ games to begin with," the princess said, retrieving her cutlery. "Mario's the one getting it from royalty." Peach paused. "Royalties, I meant, of course," she corrected quickly. "He's getting the royalties.

Zelda arched her brow. "I see," she said, as both turned to see Toad step out into the corridor, face bright in loyal service. "Then, perhaps -"

 **THUMP!**

A red and gold blur smashed straight into the little attendant, and smeared him across the wall. The cafeteria plunged into silence. The mechanical whine of a long, powerful stride could be heard speeding his assailant swiftly away.

 _Thump thump thump..._

"That wasn't Bowser," the Hyrulian princess observed astutely, as Toad slowly slid down to the floor with his short limbs splayed out every which way.

Peach found her feet, rising with clenched fists and a heaving bust. "No. That...was rude!"

* * *

"I demand an apology!"

Helmet and Squishy-less, tucked away in the back of her ship and fighting the severe gradient of the floor to stay upright, Samus' head whipped around. She had to spit hair out of her mouth afterwards.

"Excuse me!" a shrill voice called. Samus didn't recognise it. She had had to negotiate with the R.O.B latching itself up to the ship to get it to pause for a few moments before hauling the vessel across the front lawn on its lonesome. It certainly hadn't sounded feminine a minute ago. Samus turned her attention back to the task at hand, straining forward with it to reach the canister.

"I'm waiting!"

"Keep on waiting!" she roared back, digging in to preserve her balance. A huff of affront filtered up to her ear and Samus ignored it. Her fingertips finally crept around the handle of the canister, having raced through the halls of the Mansion to get here in time. In triumph, she hauled it off the rack and out of the storage cabinet. "Gotcha'."

The floor screeched underneath her heels as she slid back down towards the ship's personnel lift. The pod was extended out of the vessel's underbelly, and as Samus came in range she could see a face peeking in from the side. Again, she didn't recognise it.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Peach, Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom."

Samus had her back turned as the woman proudly answered, climbing down to the ground below after setting aside the canister at the lip of the lift. "Another one?" she said.

"Another what?"

"Princess, like Daisy."

"No," Peach replied. "I'm more important."

"I see," Samus said coolly, and turned to face her. Her gaze fell immediately to the pair of balloons surgically attached to the Princess' chest, and her jaw fell a second later. It didn't (or maybe it did) help that the woman's arms were folded tightly underneath her prominent bust. It was some sort of miracle, surely that the front of her dress hadn't yet popped open and sprayed silky lace everywhere like a wine cork.

"You owe me an apology," Peach fumed.

Samus' cheeks flushed. "I - I didn't mean to stare," she said.

"I beg your pardon? I was referring to Toad!"

"Toad?"

"Her attendant."

Samus blinked as a different voice spoke. Leaning slightly to the left revealed that Peach had most certainly not come alone. Not only was there another regal looking woman with chilly blue eyes standing behind her shoulder, but a crowd of misfits tense with anticipation gathered yet again in front of the Mansion. Samus focused her gaze back on the former.

"And you are?"

"Hyrulian royalty."

"Right," Samus said after a moment. She looked at Peach. "I don't understand."

The woman huffed loudly. " _This_ is Toad."

Samus' eyes were as round as the fat G-Coins Master Hand had exchanged her paltry amount of Galactic Credits for. Because the princess had just shoved an arm down to the elbow into a ludicrously deep cleavage. Quite casually. Peach, in fact, didn't seem to mind in the slightest. Zelda held up the unconscious, mushroom headed creature she had just pulled out with the flourish of a magician for her inspection.

"See?"

"Is...so, is that where it sleeps?" Samus eventually asked.

"You knocked him out cold with your carelessness!" Peach burst out, jabbing a finger at her.

"I've never seen that thing before in my life," she said defensively. "And I don't hit kids."

"He's not a child; he's Toad," Peach said. "You ran him over. Over him. Into him, I mean. You ran into him!"

Samus shook her head. "Look, I really don't have time for this right now," she said, turning to reach back up into her ship.

Peach's voluptuous chest puffed up indignantly. "You're not going _anywhere_ until you apologise - oh!"

The canister hit the ground with a _thunk_ as Samus heaved it down, landing squarely between them. Peach was crouched down in front of it with her skirts flowing around her ankles in the next instant.

"Ooooh!" she cooed, anger forgotten. "It's so _cuuuute_."

'It' was a bundle of fluffy white fur standing on two long, stalk-like legs. Large ears mounted on top of its head twitched as Peach pressed her face right against the thick, curved glass.

"You're so cute, you're so cute, you're so cute..."

"She likes cute things," Zelda said in monotone, Toad swaying limply in her grip.

"I wouldn't have thought."

The Princess looked up at the woman eagerly. "What is it called?"

"Besides 'Little Bastard'?" Samus replied resentfully. "Lunch."

"Lunch?"

And that was when glass suddenly shattered.

 _"Squeeee~!"_


	5. Chapter 5

The window pane of Samus' upper floor room rained down upon the Smashers gathered below, scattering them far and wide in a chorus of ringing screams. Flying in the air above their heads - were their flapping, panicked hands. And above those, a helmet wearing freak of nature.

And finally, above Megaman, Squishy.

 _"Squeee~!"_

Zelda's head whipped around in the blink of an eye; Peach cried out and fell backwards. Samus, meanwhile, cursed profusely.

"Damn it, now I have to pay for that too!"

Squishy gave no indication that it cared. It was already too late; Samus had uttered the magic word.

Lunch. And it squawked in fear.

Strings of drool trailed in its wake as the creature zoomed through the air, glistening ribbons precariously attached to sharply pointed, curving mandibles. Those mandibles were almost as long as Samus' middle finger, thicker than her thumb. And despite its size, Squishy had a whole lot of power bunched up in the muscle pinning those things to the underside of its gelatinous body. Samus hefted Lunch's canister off the ground just before her pet eagerly slammed into it.

"Hey! Wait!"

"What in the name of the Triforce _is_ that thing?" Zelda called over, a thin, incredulous eyebrow raised.

"Squishy!" Samus shouted, swinging the canister away when it dived for it yet again. "For goodness' sake, you brat, calm down!"

"Is it...is it going to eat that poor creature?" Peach asked, picking herself up off her backside onto all fours. Her dress strained for all it was worth to keep her modest as she leaned forward.

"Poor creature, my ass," Samus growled back, Squishy slipping underneath her arm mid-swat with a hungry _'Squee~'_. "I can't wait to be rid of the little bastard."

"Then, I'll buy him from you!"

All of the woman's motion ceased in an instant. "You'll what?"

Which was when Squishy at last clamped itself onto the glass tube. She lurched as the handle of the canister was yanked right out of her grip. It gouged a shallow trench into the lawn as it slid forward to an eventual stop. Lunch squealed. Samus swore. Somewhere far, far away, the dust of a bygone Chozo civilisation caught on a timeless breath of wind shivered in disgust.

"I'll buy him from you," Peach repeated into the silence that followed.

Samus stared at her like she had forgotten they shared a common tongue. "Are you serious?" she said eventually.

Peach's peaches wobbled as she nodded emphatically. "He's so very cute!"

"How do you know it's a him?"

"I...suppose I don't," Peach said. "Is he? I mean it. But it seems so awfully rude to call it it. I mean him. Oh, bother!"

"Forget it," Samus said, waving her hand impatiently. "Besides, I'm not sure I should sell him in the first place. I don't even know exactly what he is."

"Oh, but you must!"

"Not unless the requisite law was created in the past several seconds."

"You would refuse one of the most important figures in all of Nintendoland?" Zelda asked haughtily, reminding the bounty hunter of her presence. The unconscious Toad was still held up in her grasp. The slight woman had surprisingly resilient strength.

Samus arched an eyebrow back at her. "I don't know who you are, or what Nintendoland even is. But you can be sure that whatever authority your titles might give you there, I may some trouble respecting. Just a little. It's a bad habit of mine, you see."

The Hyrulian opened her mouth to speak, eyes frosty, but Peach, now on her feet, beat her to the punch.

"I'll make you an offer you couldn't possibly refuse to respect," she said brightly. "One thousand G-Coins!"

"Good grief," Zelda gasped, before Samus could even begin to try and work out whether the offer in a currency she was utterly unfamiliar with was worth taking. By the look on the princess' face however it seemed the amount Peach suggested was more than enough, and then some.

"Done," Samus said immediately.

She stuck out her hand. Peach, after a long second staring down at it, took it up in the daintiest of grips at almost the very tips of her digits. The deal-brokering handshake was so light she wondered whether the other woman feared she was going to walk away with bruised bones. It turned out, however, when the princess quickly produced a handkerchief, that Samus was merely a filthy commoner with a plethora of germs waiting for the opportune moment to leap across the void and sully Peach's good health.

The woman snapped her gloved fingers after vigorously wiping them clean. "Toad!" she called, and just like that, he awoke. Zelda set him down onto the lawn; he was right as rain, apparently. "Fetch one thousand G-Coins from my chest," she instructed the creature, "quickly, now." He bowed his oddly shaped head low. Then struggled to straighten as some mysterious force pulled on the weighty, polka-dotted mushroom. And then, with flushed cheeks from the effort, Toad scampered off in the direction of the Mansion to the sharp crack of glass.

Hold on. The sharp crack of gla -

"Squishy!"

All eyes turned to the canister, around which the creature had wrapped its drooling mandibles. Inside, Lunch squawked and squealed, gnashing rows of yellow teeth at its assailant. An assailant who was beginning to exert enough pressure on the thick glass of the container that fracture lines were creeping across its curved surface.

"Were you planning on your new, odd choice of pet being dead before you purchased it, Peach?" Zelda asked, an amused slant to her lips.

"He'll be fine," Samus quickly interjected, reaching down and grabbing Squishy's body. "In full...working...order!"

She strained to pull Squishy off the canister, even setting a foot down onto it to brace herself. But it wouldn't budge. If anything, it sank its mandibles in even harder. Peach jumped as another crack rang through the air.

"Oh my!"

"Nothing to worry about," Samus said through clenched teeth, now repeatedly yanking on Squishy. "You'll get...your pet...in one piece!"

Zelda shook her head and laughed. "This is absurd. And look, Peach," she said, glancing over her shoulder, "there's Toad, duly pushing along a cart of one thousand, gleaming gold under the sunlight G-Coins, precisely stacked by your faithful attendant, with each single one representing more than his weekly income." She turned to the princess, and the tall blonde woman struggling to displace her ravenous pet in front of her. "I think you ought to tell him to put them back."

"No!" Samus cried out. Those one thousand G-Coins would let her pay for a proper crew of R.O.B units to take her ship into the Mansion's hangar without tearing up the front lawn further, and she could pay upfront for the damage the crash had done to that with change to spare!

Which she then had to use to pay for the window Squishy had shattered.

Samus snarled in frustration, eyes narrow and impatient. "Fine," she called out, raising her right arm. Within the confines of the cannon, the shape of her hand smoothly changed and a powerful, chilling whine began to build.

Peach's teeth were suddenly chattering. "Brrrrr!"

Zelda, meanwhile, icy through and through, merely looked on, deeply curious. "Fascinating..."

Samus was fuming. "I am _not_ playing games with you, Squishy," she said as her arm cannon's cryo-condenser reached full capacity, frost briskly creeping down its length like cold fingers. "You know I'll pull this trigger."

Squishy didn't move an inch.

"Three..."

Squishy didn't move an inch. Maybe a little less.

"Two..."

Squishy definitely wobbled.

"One."

" _Squeeee...!_ "

Samus lowered her arm and released a heavy sigh as the creature fled, of somewhat bitter relief as she watched Peach eagerly descend on the drool-streaked canister containing a whimpering little bastard.

"Birdie," the princess cooed. "I'm going to call you Little Birdie."

Or that. Samus frowned, thinking about what she had just done.

She turned upon catching the glimmer of G-Coins, Toad huffing and puffing as he brought the laden cart to a stop. It was taller than he was. How did he even see where he was going?

It didn't matter.

There was a hungry metroid on the loose.


	6. Chapter 6

If not for the impressively bushy moustache beneath which the man's upper lip was hidden, Samus would have mistaken his short stature for that of a child. A child engaged in a rather sophisticated game of pretend. A stethoscope hung around his neck and the man's blindingly white lab coat fell to the knee of worn denim...jeans? Whatever; it didn't matter. She hadn't come to the Mansion's medical wing and thrown open the door of the doctor's office to berate his fashion sensibilities.

"Have you seen Squishy?"

The startled physician stared at her, gloved hand pressing a medical chart to a heaving chest at Samus' sudden, unscheduled entrance. He was certain she had not booked an appointment. He was more than certain, as his eyes roved over intimidatingly bulky armour that encased everything but her blonde head, that he had no idea who the woman even was.

"What is a 'Squishy'?"

 **PAUSE**

(The doctor, of course, speaks with a rather stereotypically rich Italian accent, which while being an affront to the ears, when replicated in the written word also serves as an affront to the eyes. Thus, the story will continue without causing undue offence to either and instead use of the imagination is encouraged.)

 **UNPAUSE**

"My pet."

"That-a name is odd for a...? "

"It's a metroid."

The doctor's thick brows knitted together as he frowned. "I don't a-ppreciate you making fun of the way I talk."

"What? No, I wasn't," Samus quickly spoke. "Squishy is a creature called a metroid."

"There-a you go a-gain."

Samus huffed impatiently. "Look, have you seen it or not, Doctor..."

" _Maaa_ -rio."

Her eyes narrowed. "Really?"

 **PAUSE**

(...Please accept these sincerest apologies. Let us try again.)

 **UNPAUSE**

"'Squishy'?"

"My pet," Samus said, dismissively waving a hand in response to the man's expression. "A metroid. Have you seen it?"

The doctor carefully set down his clipboard on the desk in front of him. "I don't believe I have encountered this creature before. What is it?"

"A metroid?"

"Yes."

"An energy-based, parasitic life-form particularly susceptible to cold temperatures. The typical metroid consists of a thick gelatinous membrane - I'd liken its shape to that of a jellyfish - and contains a set of three or four red, raspberry-shaped, quadripartite/tripartite nuclei. They've two pairs of mandibles, one which grips onto their, uh...prey, and the other for extracting...food."

The doctor stared at her. Samus glanced away and itched her chin. The small man coughed and spent a long moment rearranging the pages of notes scattered in front of him. "That was rather precise in description," he said eventually.

"Look, have you seen it or not?"

"I can't say I have. Or want to."

Samus was already turning to leave. She had to position herself sideways to keep her massive shoulders from catching against the door frame. "Well, thanks for the help, Doctor..."

"Mario," the man provided.

In retrospect, as he listened to the woman's heavily armoured footfalls gradually fade into silence, Dr. Mario wondered how he hadn't heard her approach in the first place. Then he sat back in his chair, a contemplative finger tapping his cheek.

"Hmm. Metroids..."

* * *

"Hey...angel? Have you seen Squishy around?"

"Squishy? Is that a new flavour of ice cream? I love ice cream. I'd eat it right up off the floor that's how much I love it!"

Samus regarded the peculiar winged boy somewhat warily. "Squishy is my pet. And I would recommend you not attempt to eat it."

"That's a weird name for a pet. Did you team up with Lady Palutena for that? I bet she suggested it. She gave me my name, Pit. I'm not sure why. Everyone makes fun of it. All the time."

"Oh. I see."

"Pit-pat. Pit-stain. Smelly arm-Pit."

"That's, uh, that's rough, kid."

Pit sighed heavily. "It's fine. I eat to dull the pain. Will you be my friend?"

"I just need to find Squishy right now," Samus said quickly.

"I can help you look!" the enthused angel replied. "Lady Palutena always says I have a good eye for things no one really cares about."

"...Right. Well - oh, look is that a bowl of chocolate and vanilla swirl around the corner?"

"Where?!"

"Around the corner."

Far enough out of sight, so that Samus could pelt far away in the opposite direction.

* * *

" _Squeee~_ "

"Pi? Pika Pika..."

" _Squeee..._ "

"Pika!"

" _Squeeeeeee -!_ "

"CHUUUU!"

 ** _BZZZZT!_**

"..."

"..."

"Pika?"

"... _Squeee..."_

 _"_ CHU?!"

" ** _Squeeeeee!_** "

* * *

"Excuse me!"

Samus' pounding footfalls across the entrance foyer came to a stop and she sighed in exasperation, closing her eyes. "Yes, Peach?"

"Princess."

"I'm not one."

"I am referring to the fact that you must amend to her name Peach's title when you address her," Zelda clarified, standing once more at the woman's shoulder as they walked in through the tall front doors of the Mansion. "To those of your station, she is 'Princess Peach'."

Samus stared long and hard at the Hyrulian. "Are you two sisters?" she asked Peach eventually. "Only you seem to be joined inseparably at the hip."

"Oh, no," the princess heartily giggled. "We're just really good friends. Don't you have any friends?" Peach asked, innocently fluttering her lashes.

"Squishy is missing," Samus said awkwardly. "I need to find it."

"On the topic of pets, that is why we sought you out," Zelda spoke.

"Indeed," Peach said brightly, "you see, you didn't happen to tell me what it is I should feed my dear Little Birdie!"

Samus deflated, mistakenly perking up at the prospect of finally getting information on Squishy's whereabouts. "Oh, that. Kihunter honey," she answered.

Peach tilted her head after a moment, bright blue eyes dimming over. "Ki...hunter?"

"You don't know what a Kihunter is?" Samus snapped impatiently. But then she caught herself. Not literally, of course; more like a light bulb sparked to life above her head.

Not literally, of course.

"You _don't_ know what a Kihunter is."

"I do believe that was the impression Peach was giving," Zelda coolly remarked.

Samus waved away the comment, gears beginning to turn in her mind. She recalled her meeting with Master Hand not an hour prior to the present moment, a little tidbit that she hadn't quite processed while being thoroughly miffed at the prospect of having to fork out cash she didn't have for this, that and the other. There were other ways to pocket some G-Coins besides competing in the Mansion's weekly tournaments, the disembodied extremity had let on as Samus put her digital signature to the conditions of their agreement; Smashers were more than welcome to offer each other their personalised services.

"The only way to procure quantities of Kihunter honey is to import it in from an offworld supplier," Samus explained, a new light in her eyes as she faced Peach. Predictably, the princess' gaze was vacant.

"Offworld?"

"Kihunters are an alien species. You definitely don't have them here in...what was this place called again?"

"Nintendoland," Zelda said, folding her arms and seeming to regard Samus warily.

"Right, that. Definitely no Kihunters in Nintendoland. Or on this planet."

"So, how do I get in touch with the supplier you mentioned?" Peach asked.

"Through me," Samus replied. "For a fee, of course."

"An extortionate amount, no doubt," Zelda said, eyes frostily narrowed.

"It will be reasonable," Samus countered, "and we can arrange it later, Peach. In private," she added, earning herself a pointed Hyrulian glare. "For the time being however, I can tide you over with a small jar of the stuff I kept on my ship in exchange for..."

"For?" the princess prompted with a flourishing gesture.

Samus felt her cheeks grow warm as her eyes dipped below the woman's chin. "You, uh, wouldn't happen to keep any spare Toads in there, would you?"

* * *

Imagine that you are a cute, pink puffball, small and round with huge apple-red feet and eyes almost as big as your belly. That last feature is important; you've quite the appetite and a hardy stomach to boot. Anything and everything, you'll just hoover it up. It's probably taken a round trip through your digestive system already if it isn't nailed down to the floor.

Now imagine you're a screaming rodent streaking wildly down the hallway throwing electricity over your shoulder at the weird, green blob hot on your jagged yellow tail. You've no idea what it is, but you don't want any business with either set of its large, glistening teeth.

Now imagine you're a fly on the wall. Literally.

 _ZAP!_

And now you're lying twitching on the floor, struck by an errant bolt of lightning. You will not be missed. But as the world goes dark, you feel an odd, otherworldly pull on your body. Do flies have souls? The answer is simple.

No. Of course not. You're a fly.

So what is pulling at you so powerfully it's shredding your flimsy wings off of your broken body? The answer is simple.

Kirby, the living vacuum, standing at the end of the hallway.

And he just opened his mouth.


	7. Chapter 7

When the natural instincts of an apex predator are written into your genetic code, being suddenly swallowed up whole turns out to be quite the harrowing experience.

Squishy sat on the palm of Samus' metallic hand, unusually still and quiet aside from the odd, infrequent chirp. The metroid had refused to ride anywhere else on her person. That made things a little more tricky for the bounty hunter, what with the crate she had balanced on her right shoulder. Arm cannon curved around the edge, it didn't help that the box shuffled to and fro every other step she took back up to her room. Samus sighed as Squishy gave the softest little ' _Squee~'_ , shivering as its smaller pair of mandibles harmlessly hugged around her wrist.

"I hope you learned a valuable lesson today," the woman chided her pet. "Chasing tail will only ever get you into trouble."

The tail in question, Pikachu's, had led to Squishy blundering straight into a ravenous puffball's mouth, the electric rodent narrowly avoiding the same fate. It began to screech indignantly at the top of its little lungs afterwards. The ruckus brought a handful of Smashers out into the corridor to see what all the fuss was about, though none of them were sufficiently able to translate its repeated, impassioned use of its own name. Kirby, of course, practiced good manners and never spoke with his mouth full. That and he was struggling mightily to prevent his impromptu snack squirming out from between pink, puffed out cheeks.

" _Squee..._ " Squishy chirped while Samus muttered a curse at the box trying to wobble its way out of her grip.

"After what I had to promise Kirby to make him spit you out, you had better be sorry," she directed at the creature in response. "Hell, maybe I should've just let him eat you and save myself the trouble."

" _Squee?!_ "

"Oh, calm down," Samus huffed, glancing down at the creature. "I was joking. It wouldn't be a pretty sight if he actually managed to swallow you. Metroid doesn't pass through the digestive system very well, huh."

" _Squee~_ "

"Yeah, but the point still stands. You, one of the deadliest predators in the galaxy, almost got eaten by a puffball. Not letting you live that one down, Squishy."

The metroid animatedly wobbled in her palm and a half-smile spread slowly across Samus' lips. The woman curved her thumb inwards, easing it underneath the creature's gelatinous body. "Well now that your mood's improved," she said, and then flicked Squishy up into the air.

" _Squeeee!_ "

With a grunt as the creature flew off ahead of her, Samus transitioned the crate from its perch on her shoulder, now holding it more securely with her freed hand. Turned out Peach only had room for one Toad in her voluminous bosom, but the princess had been able to provide her with something of a substitute. Not without cost, of course; begrudgingly, at Zelda's suggestion, Samus had agreed that she wouldn't charge Peach for the first shipment of Kihunter honey she planned on importing in. The Hyrulian woman smiled smugly at Peach's shoulder all the while. Samus really needed to figure out what the princess' problem with her was. She already had a good idea of how to go about that. It went along the lines of locking Zelda in a room with a hungry metroid.

Speaking of hungry metroids -

Chirping with renewed enthusiasm, Squishy rapidly circled Samus' head as she unlocked the door to her room and stepped inside. It had the usual features one would expect; a bed, a wardrobe, a window with a metroid shaped hole looking out over the front lawn of the Mansion, an en-suite bathroom, drawers, and a safe. It was this that most interested the bounty hunter, setting down her burden in front of it. Then she realised that the crate was tightly sealed shut and she lacked the appropriately civil means of opening it, namely a crowbar. She was far too impatient at this point to head back down to find one.

Luckily, Samus knew how to place a good kick.

Fat, shimmering G-Coins spilled out across the floor when the side of the crate caved in, gold that glittered in the bounty hunter's eyes. Considering the conversion rate, it had been a _long_ while since she had had this much money sitting in front of her. Pity it would all be gone by tomorrow. That sobered her up pretty quick. And then Samus heard a screech.

From the box containing Peach's payment for Little Birdie tumbled out a creature following Samus' splintering kick. It was small and brown, with eyes that occupied a third of its face and a pair of sharp teeth poking out over the lip of a grimly pouting mouth. With flat, round feet and a slim stalk of a body, the shape of its overly large head lended to the thing the plain shape of a mushroom. A Goomba, Peach had called it. For Squishy, however, it immediately became Lunch.

The Goomba didn't even have time to cry out as the metroid swooped down to snatch it up in its teeth. Well it did; Samus would just rather not have heard it. Dying cats sounded more graceful. A combination of Squishy being sufficiently strong and its prey light enough allowed it to haul the Goomba into the air. Samus grimaced as Squishy hooked in its mandibles and the Goomba's feet kicked uselessly beneath it. She turned away before her stomach grew queasy. Unlike most pets, a feeding metroid was not the prettiest sight. It was watching what happened to their unfortunate prey that got to her the most.

In the meantime, as Squishy fed, Samus moved to the corner of the room and stepped out of her armour. The weight of the suit was far more empowering than it was encumbering, but the woman was more than happy to shed it - particularly after the day she had had. Ambushed by a trio of unfamiliar ships, shot down over the skies of an unfamiliar world, forced to sign herself into debt within minutes of stepping out of her trashed gunship and dwell amongst a merry band of utter misfits until she could pay it off with a ludicrous amount of G-Coins, Samus had certainly earned herself one use of the most vile Chozoan curse to ever grace their language.

" _Squee~_ "

That was Squishy, of course, coming to hover near Samus as her mutterings turned the air blue while she stacked the aforementioned safe with G-Coins. "Are you done?" the woman asked, turning to glance over her shoulder. The metroid chirped innocently as her eyes found the Goomba, perched near the edge to the bed. It was entirely drained of colour; a grey, lifeless husk. And then it began to crumble as a whisper of wind floated in through the broken window.

Samus pursed her lips. "I hope you're full," she said shortly. Squishy floated close and nudged against her cheek. "Get off me," the woman grunted, swatting at the creature. Squishy, evading her half-hearted effort, pressed in again and nuzzled its slimy, gelatinous body affectionately into the side of the bounty hunter's face. Samus sighed heavily, then lifted a finger to scratch its spongy underside. She received the softest little chirp in response.

"You're not going to stay small and cute forever, are you?" the woman murmured, watching Squishy sway contentedly in the air on the tip of her finger. "I'm just making my life more difficult, keeping you as pet. One day, I'm going to have to..." Samus trailed off and shook her head. "That day's a long time from now. Right now, we need to focus on getting out of this madhouse and off the damn planet. You'll help me out, won't you, Squishy?"

" _Squee!_ "

"Glad to hear it," Samus said. "Now go clean up the mess you made, young metroid. I'm not sleeping on a bed covered in Goomba crumbs."

And to make the point, she prodded it in the appropriate direction. Squishy squealed as it was harmlessly jabbed and scampered off to do her bidding. Samus went back to counting her G-Coins, and as she stacked them in neat golden rows inside the safe, attempted to reconcile herself with the fact that she was going to be flat broke again by morning.


End file.
